Believing God, Week Two

Last night was another Beth Moore night, filling our house with friends and discussion (and snacks; lots of snacks).

What we've been learning about just seems to jump off the page and into my heart because it just speaks to where I'm at right now.  I know I've been kind of illusive about our lives lately, and it's only because I don't know what I can say.  I do know that wheels are in motion and that an end date is on the horizon, but the waiting, the uncertainty, the fear is still very much present.  And, this whole study is about not only believing in God, but believing Him: believing that His promises were made for us and that what He wants in return is faith.

I underlined and scribbled lots of things throughout the week, as well as taking notes during the video last night.  These were some of my favorites:

-Pray for what you lack.  Pray for a heart to seek Him and ask for a hunger and thirst to know Him.

-Our God is in Heaven; He does whatever pleases Him.  Psalm 115:3

-Walk in faith as one who already has what she has asked.

That last point is probably my favorite.  When I read the words, "walk in faith," it immediately brings me to the song, Walk by Faith.  If I had to pick a song that would best describe the monumental events in my life, from our marriage falling apart to it's complete restoration, from miscarriages to the birth of Grayson, this song just sums it up.  In fact, I can't listen to the song without breaking down in tears, since it brings me back to each of those events, and namely our separation.

We talked last night about how deeply God wants us to have faith and I can't stop thinking how I hope to be a testimony to that.  Against all hope, I walked in faith as my husband moved out and as divorce papers were filed.  I told people I was waiting for my marriage to be restored.  People encouraged me to pray for a quick and clean resolution... not restoration.  But still, I walked.  And for reasons that I don't always understand to this day, God answered those prayers.

I'd like to think that (and I hope that) my steadfast faith pleased Him.  We aren't privy to His thoughts, but I know that my marriage is a blessing that still takes my breath away.

And I feel that God is asking me, once again, to walk in the footsteps of faith, a path warmed already by my past travels.  I know He has good plans for us.  I was just telling Mike yesterday that never in my life have I lived with such little money and on such little sleep and been this entirely and wholly happy.

These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

1 Peter 1:7

Just Believe

This isn't as much about Beth Moore last night as it is about just believing God.

Through a series of unfortunate events late last year, Mike lost his job.  The teaching job that he'd held for nine years.  The teaching job that primarily supported our family, kept us insured, and kept us feeling secure.

There's so much to the story, but the bottom line is that we found ourselves in a new position: unemployed.

And of course, it was hard to keep the panic from creeping in.  We have a mortgage, bills, and two small children.  We weren't in a good place.

But, the most amazing thing happened, and while I can't speak for Mike, I can speak for what I did.  I chose, and continue to choose, to believe God.

This story doesn't have an ending with a neatly wrapped-up solution.  We're still living it.

But, I remember the day that ultimately, I chose to just hand this all over to God and just believe.  I believe He has a good plan for our family and I will walk in that faith.  I was sitting alone in my car that day, in our driveway, and I just sobbed.  I kinda threw a little pity party for myself.  I thought that surely, we'd been through enough as a couple and as a family.  This felt a little bit like salt in a wound that tends to crack open when I'm sad.

But I chose then (I think I said it out loud) that I will just have faith.  Faith in His timing, faith in His plan, and just faith in Him.

I'm not saying that that makes everything perfect but my goodness, it makes things easier.  I'm so thankful for that.

And let me tell you, the outpouring of love we've received from family and friends has been humbling, to say the least.  Seriously, the blessings that have been showered upon us continue to take my breath away.

A month or so ago, when I was again feeling a little whiny, I knew I needed to change my perspective.  I grabbed some chalk (or a chalk pen if we're being specific; those things are so cool!) and wrote down the first blessing that came to my mind: More time with family.

It's so true.  We've drawn closer to one another, be it through picnic dinners on the floor to baking together to going on bike rides.

And almost everyday, I add something new.  The board is getting full.  Even Maddie is in on the action now, telling me things or people that blessed her during her day.  The blessings are abundant and wonderful and really, I can't think of a time I've been happier.

So what's the point?  Have faith.  I don't know how this whole thing will turn out but I have absolute, unwavering faith that we are safe, right where we are.

How cool that throughout all this, I'm doing a Bible study called Believing God.  :)

{Miracles}

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

Last night was another Beth Moore study night and I learned so much about covenants and believing and hope.  We talked about faith and how it can't be separated from hope and how we just can not live without hope.  

My workbook is a big sloppy mess of notes.

We also discussed miracles, which I just love.  I love hearing of miracles, I love talking about my miracles, and I love being a part of miracles.

Not everyone defines miracle in the same way and some people may not think they've ever seen a miracle.  I believe that miracles are the events in our lives that only God is capable of accomplishing.  They are the moments when time is stopped and God's hand is so heavy that there's simply no other way to explain it.

And it's got me thinking of God's miracles in my life, which always fills me with such an overwhelming feeling of His greatness.

Watching a flickering heartbeat on an ultrasound screen... Such tiny and early life, beating and thriving because God chose it to be so.  Watching that speck of life grow and develop... That's God.  And eventually, hearing my children take their first deep breaths, watching them blink their eyes for the first time ever, wrapping their tiny chubby fingers around mine...

Miracles.

But it's the miracle of my marriage that's my favorite chapter in my story so far.  I know I talk about it a lot on here but I try and let it be totally spirit-led.  Whether you've stumbled upon this little blog or followed for years, I want you to know that God still performs miracles.  My marriage is a miracle.

What was never written on these pages was the miracle moment... The moment that God interceded that sunny May day (and not coincidently, what was Grayson's original due date several years later).  The moment time stopped and I felt God's presence more strongly than I ever had.

And to think it happened in line at Disneyland, waiting to ride Dumbo with my totally estranged husband and 20 month old daughter.  A situation that was, by any man's standards, bleak.

But it wasn't.  God had set the stage for a miracle.

It was the moment Mike looked at me, speaking words that I'd spent the past six months fervently praying for.  Speaking words that were God-breathed.  And with that, the course of our lives, once again, were forever changed.

Everything is possible with God.  When we desperately need and seek a miracle in our life, He will give it to us.  He knows what the best kind of miracle for us is and He is still very active in our lives.

So give Him every opportunity through your faith to perform the one you desire and keep believing.

God is who He says He is.

Look at these two.  I couldn't help but get all teary watching my little miracles swing and slide with each other and with their daddy.

Everything is possible for him who believes.  Mark 9:23

Against All Hope

Last night was another Beth Moore night, filling our house with friends and discussion (and snacks; lots of snacks). 

What we've been learning about just seems to jump off the page and into my heart because it just speaks to where I'm at right now.  I know I've been kind of illusive about our lives lately, and it's only because I don't know what I can say.  I do know that wheels are in motion and that an end date is on the horizon, but the waiting, the uncertainty, the fear is still very much present.  And, this whole study is about not only believing in God, but believing Him: believing that His promises were made for us and that what He wants in return is faith.

I underlined and scribbled lots of things throughout the week, as well as taking notes during the video last night.  These were some of my favorites:

-Pray for what you lack.  Pray for a heart to seek Him and ask for a hunger and thirst to know Him.

-Our God is in Heaven; He does whatever pleases Him.  Psalm 115:3

-Walk in faith as one who already has what she has asked.  

That last point is probably my favorite.  When I read the words, "walk in faith," it immediately brings me to the song, Walk by Faith.  If I had to pick a song that would best describe the monumental events in my life, from our marriage falling apart to it's complete restoration, from miscarriages to the birth of Grayson, this song just sums it up.  In fact, I can't listen to the song without breaking down in tears, since it brings me back to each of those events, and namely our separation.

We talked last night about how deeply God wants us to have faith and I can't stop thinking how I hope to be a testimony to that.  Against all hope, I walked in faith as my husband moved out and as divorce papers were filed.  I told people I was waiting for my marriage to be restored.  Most people encouraged me to pray for a quick and clean resolution... not restoration.  But still, I walked.  And for reasons that I don't always understand to this day, God answered those prayers.

I'd like to think that (and I hope that) my steadfast faith pleased Him.  We aren't privy to His thoughts, but I know that my marriage is a blessing that still takes my breath away.

And I feel that God is asking me, once again, to walk in the footsteps of faith, a path warmed already by my past travels.  I know He has good plans for us.  I was just telling Mike yesterday that never in my life have I lived with such little money and on such little sleep and been this entirely and wholly happy.

These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

1 Peter 1:7

Beth Moore: Believing God

A couple years ago, I started participating in a Bible study group, and it's always a Beth Moore study.  She is an amazing woman of God and I can not tell you how much I've learned and grown throughout each and every session and unit.  As soon as a study is about to end (they're usually a couple months long, with us meeting once a week), I get a little antsy, wondering how soon we can get the next one started.

If you've never done a Beth Moore study, there are several components to it.  We watch a DVD, we break into small groups (there's always quite a few women at ours so it's nice to have smaller prayer groups), and we also have homework.

I get so much out of all the parts, but I have to say that I take a crazy amount of notes during the DVD.  I get going so fast that sometimes I have to stop myself before I write down a note of when she coughs.  :)

Anyway, this newest study that we just started is called Believing God and I'm super excited about it.  I think it's really going to speak to where I'm at right now and help me navigate the trials that Mike and I are going through.

I don't know if I'll do it after every session, but I thought it might be neat to share a few of the key points of it, both for myself and maybe for someone else who needs a little encouragement.  Plus, I'm probably more likely to look back on the blog, rather than go digging through my workbooks when I need a reminder.  So, here were this week's:

*Beth Moore talked about how God wants to bless us and pour His spirit into us.  He wants us to be blessed with peace and meaning and healing.  Sometimes the blessings we want aren't the blessings He gives us but... His are always better.

*The number one hinderance we face is unbelief.  It will paralyze us.

*She discussed how the promised land is where theology merges with reality.  The word of God was written for us and He wants us to abide in Him (John 15).

*There were five statements of faith that I just loved and want to commit to memory:
1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God's word is alive and active in me.

Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.

Joshua 3:5

Thanksgiving

It was a little bit of a different Thanksgiving this year.  We're trying to figure out some curveballs we've been thrown and in all honesty, I wasn't necessarily feeling real thankful.

But then, all I have to do is look at these pictures, and think of the time spent with these people, and I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness.  Because hello, thankfulness isn't about things or money or anything like that.  It's so much more.  For me, this year, I got to focus on the people, the relationships, and the moments that make me feel so blessed.

So thankful.

 It was Grayson's first trip to Las Vegas.  He got the memo that it's the city that never sleeps and actively participated by waking up every. single. hour.

Both nights.

When people ask why we "only" stayed two nights, I laugh.  In a manic way.  Because two nights feel like two years when you're trying to make sure the 6 month old doesn't wake the 4 year old (or your hotel neighbors {my parents on one side and sisters on the other}).

 But other than being in a little bit of a sleep deprivation haze, I'm so grateful for our trip.  My parents (aka: Nana and Papa) made it magical for us.  We needed to get away and it came at the perfect time.

 We visited my Aunt Millie (well, Great Aunt Millie), ate too much food, saw the Muppets movie (eh, Mike and Maddie did; I dodged that bullet!  Ha!), and just relaxed (again, not at night, since our little man cried, laughed, and nursed all night long!). 

Ohmygoodness.

These two.  Last year, she was three and he was in my tummy.  I was still incredibly scared of something going wrong and losing him and madly in love with both of them.

So, a different Thanksgiving, but a wonderful one all the same.

Prayer Request

I'm a huge fan of worship music.  I love it.  We fill our car with it, our home with it, and I really believe that it speaks to me as much as time in church or time in Bible study.  One of my very favorite songs is Mercy Me's Bring the Rain.  I listened to it thousands (literally) of times throughout our separation and then a thousand times more through our reconciliation and restoration.  My very favorite part is:

And I know there'll be days,
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You,
Jesus, bring the rain.

There's big changes coming in our household.  They're not the kind we planned for, expected, and certainly not what either of us wanted.  The rain has started to come down and while I know we can weather this storm, I'm tempted to let myself spiral out in sadness and anger.

But just as quickly as I start to feel helpless, I'm reminded that we so are not alone.  As we were driving home from church last night, Bring the Rain came on the radio, which is pretty rare around here.  I know that I was meant to hear that song last night; that I needed to hear those words fresh and new (and just as amazing, Grayson stopped crying as soon as it came on, falling asleep halfway through it).

No matter what happens, God is still the same faithful, loving God.  I have to continue to seek ways to praise Him.  No matter what.

And while I can't really speak about these big changes (yet, at least), I do have a request of you, reading this blog right now.  Could you, if you think of it, keep our family in your prayers or thoughts?  It's nothing about our marriage or our health (praise God for both of those!), but it's still pretty huge on the list of things for Jill to worry about.  Ha!  I know the power of prayer.  My marriage is a testament of it.  Our sweet baby boy is a living testament of it.  And I pray that this situation on our plates right now will be a testament of it, too.

Blessings

When I got up a few mornings ago, it struck me how different my days are now, ever since Grayson's arrival. Where Maddie and I used to sleep in until well past eight (well, she still sleeps in!), I find myself waking up around 5 or 6 to nurse. Our casual mornings of slow breakfasts with her curled up next to me as I checked emails have slipped away, replaced with slightly harried mornings, rushing to get shoes on the right feet, diapers changed, tummies filled, and strollers loaded.

And even though every ounce of my Type-A personality screams for more order and calm, I love every second.

I love preparing breakfast while Grayson sits on my hip and grabs my earrings. I love looking over to see Maddie helping flip Grayson over when he gets himself into a jam on the floor. I love laying out outfits for two little people.

But most of all, I love packing these important creatures into the car and pulling out of the driveway. My favorite part of it all is looking in my rearview mirror and seeing those two sweet faces peeking at me, filling up my mirror. Little brother is, undoubtedly, watching big sister, gazing intently at her face while she entertains us both with songs or stories.

I feel so content and so happy. Sometimes I worry that life is too good... That saying that out loud will somehow jinx me. But then I try and not be silly, and just enjoy this season of our life, praising Him for all these blessings. A season of tiny toes, preschool drop-offs, ballet practices, and so many giggles.

After our loss in October, almost two years ago, I couldn't have imagined that these days would ever be. These days that are so, so sweet. And sometimes, I do get sad that we don't have a one and a half year old running around, but then I wouldn't have my Grayson. My little man who has so totally stolen my heart. Truly, our rainbow baby... That after such a storm of sadness and loss, a burst of life and color that filled our hearts.

There's a song by Laura Story called Blessings and both Mike and I love the lyrics (listen to it if you haven't heard it yet!). One of the lines is, "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?" I think about that line often because there have been so many sleepless nights in my life over the past few years: separation and restoration, wanting and waiting and loss.

And now, the greatest sleepless nights of all: our baby boy.

Thank you Lord for all your blessings and for making yourself so near to my family and to me.

Happy Sunday, friends. :)

Amazing Gray

This is a sneak peek at the newborn session shot last week by this very talented photographer.

Maddie was at school yesterday and it was just Grayson and me. We headed to a lactation clinic for some extra pointers and then stopped in at my OB's office, which happened to be just two stories down.

As I walked down the long hallway to their office, it hit me that this time, this time, I was carrying my baby.

I've been to this office for years and it holds a lot of emotions. There were times I left elated, having seen a flickering heartbeat or hearing a strong heartbeat.

But, there were also times of so much pain. So much heart ache. Times I sobbed on the way back to the car. Crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath. Walking down that hallway and wanting to just scream.

But yesterday, I walked down the hall holding my sweet, sweet baby boy.

Our boy that we waited so long to hold, to kiss, to rock.

I can honestly say that it took me a good five months to even accept his pregnancy. There was so much fear; I was so scared to let myself fall in love with someone that I might lose. Maybe that's normal after having had losses. Maybe I just wasn't as faithful as I should've been.

But all it took was seeing his face that instant he was born... Touching him and feeling the weight of him in my arms... I fell completely and utterly and totally in love.

And I know that His timing is so perfect. For so many months, I begged and pleaded for this child. And, He was faithful and brought us this amazing blessing in His time.

And for that, I am so, so thankful.

He was most certainly worth the wait.