A Maddie Update

(Not sure why this picture is so grainy; it didn't look like this on the camera...)

Maddie is doing so, so much better today! Yesterday, the doctor said that it might be a sinus infection, but to try children's Claritin for a couple days to see if that helps any. And, help it does! She's like a different kid, smiling and laughing and singing. I'm usually not one to rush off to the doctor, but after getting up with her every two hours for the past few nights, we were all spent. And, despite the fact that she's never had an ear infection before, I immediately always worry that that's what is wrong.

So, thank goodness for a happy two year old (I was beginning to think that was an oxymoron) and for a good night of sleep!

Side Note: I took this picture when she was laying on the kitchen floor last night, singing the ABC song to her dolls. I'd never heard her sing it before but I will most definitely have to get it on video next time. It's hilarious. :)

My Dental Woes

If you follow me on Twitter, you're already in the "know" about my dental dramas of this morning. If not, then prepare yourself for some whining explaining.

Let's start off by saying that I went for a dental cleaning and x-rays four weeks ago (so, no scolding about staying on top of these types of things). My tooth started aching/throbbing/waking me up a couple weeks ago. That pain slowly eased up, but was replaced by sore, swollen gums and pain that radiated throughout my face and neck.

I went to my dentist today, only to watch him and three hygienists stand around my x-rays, sigh and shake their heads. After being transferred to the specialist upstairs, it was decided that I have an infection underneath my crown. I'll need a root canal on that tooth, and since it's under a permanently sealed crown, they're going to drill through it (puh-ray that it doesn't crack the crown, which happens "occasionally"). Of course though, the story can't end there.

The tooth next to it has an old filling, leaving a teeny little hole for the present infection to spread right into. That means that I get to have a second root canal on that tooth, too.

But wait... There's even more!

The second office accidentally took x-rays on the left side of my mouth, too. I guess it's a good thing (though I'm not seeing it right now), but they found that I need a third... yes, third... root canal on that side, as well.

Happy hour. Tonight. My house.

So, I'm on an antibiotic that has be taken every 6 hours for the next week and I go back for the first root canal next Tuesday (they have to wait for the swelling to go down; I didn't even realize that my face was swollen).

Good thing I have this to make me laugh:

Big thanks to Nana for hanging out with the little chatter box. I really enjoyed my morning out. Ha!

Is it?

I'm going to start by saying that I have a tremendously awful toothache right now, and the pain radiating from the entire right side of my head just might influence this post. And before you ask, I'm going to the dentist on Tuesday, which simply can not come soon enough. I'm gargling warm salt water (which I accidentally swallowed when I saw Maddie emptying my purse into the trash can helping me clean) and applying Anbesol at frighteningly frequent times throughout the hour (I'm sure what's written on the tube, as far as application guidelines are simply recommendations and I'm not going to be permanently numbing my mouth or anything).

Alright.

Someone asked me a question today and I've been thinking about it ever since. Maybe if I write about it, I'll get some clarity (because if I think out loud, I get it repeated back to me by the blonde parrot that calls herself my roommate).

I was asked this question: Is it getting any easier?

Is it? Is this situation, this broken marriage, these lives torn so desperately apart... Is any of it getting any easier? I guess in many ways, it is getting easier. I don't always see or feel ways in which it's getting easier because it's not getting easier in the way that I want it to get easier.

I want the money worries that are plaguing me to be eased. I want my husband to easily come home from work and easily take our daughter to the park or sit on the floor and build a block tower. I want for things to be easy, but then again, who doesn't?

It's not easy to hand your baby over to your estranged husband, all while said baby is screaming, "No Mama! No go!" It's never easy to watch the man you called your best friend for nine years drive off with his girlfriend in the seat of the car that you occupied for so long. It's not easy to struggle so terribly to talk to someone that used to hear every single in and out of your daily life and thoughts.

But I guess it is getting a little bit easier. There are far fewer fights and far fewer tears. Maddie seems relatively adjusted to her new living situations and she has finally stopped demanding that the yellow blankie that lives at Daddy's house also live at Mama's house.

She's happy. He says he's happy. Me? I guess I'm fairly happy, all things considered. I'm worried and anxious but those two lovely and useful traits are woven into the core of my being anyway.

So yeah Mom, it is getting easier. It's not what I want, but I guess that wasn't the original question, huh? Ha.

Day by day, in slow, teeny little inchworm wiggles, it's getting easier.

Why it's so hard...

This is a hard post (and one that I've been thinking about for a while), but I want it to be said because I feel like it explains a little bit about myself and my hope for Mike. Many of you know that I seriously battled an eating disorder for years and while I pride myself now in my health, that experience is still a huge part of who I am today.

See, when I was in the depths of my sickness, there were many people that walked away from me because I wasn't "fixable." I didn't want help and I didn't recognize the need for it. In my mind, I was fine and I justified my actions by thinking that my life wouldn't (and couldn't) always be like that. I was definitely trapped in my illness and while I wanted to be well, I couldn't see a way out. I know that I alienated people because I couldn't see the damage I was doing and I also couldn't stop it.

I guess I feel that, in a way, that life experience prepared me for this road (in an oh-so-tiny way). I can't walk away from Mike because I I know the pain of people leaving you when you're hurting and you're lost. Some of you know my concerns for Mike, and I feel like our paths are, in a little-bitty way, similar. It's incredibly hard to walk away from our marriage for many, many reasons and this is just one of them. Maybe there was a purpose for battling such an ugly disease; maybe I need to use what I've learned, from the compassion to the healing, in a productive way. Maybe I need to be the support to someone else that I once needed, several years ago.

It's just hard. I'm torn because while I know that I need to look out for myself and my daughter (and safe-guard against my own health), I can't deny this big ol' thing that's been on my mind so much.

And, I know I shared some lyrics from one of Jeremy Camp's songs yesterday, and while this is the amazing song that is usually played over and over and over in my car (I'm sure my sisters can testify to this fact!), it's another piece of the same one that means so much to me. It definitely speaks to where I'm at right now and I want to share it with you:

"Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face.

Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace."

I'm pretty sure it's those words of grace that keep me going and keep my chin up.

Additionally, I need you to all add someone to your prayer lists: my mom. My mom is an absolutely amazing person and my best friend. She's also suffering so deeply throughout all of this and my heart is breaking to see her in such pain. Please, add Cheryl to the list of people you think about. Put her above Maddie, Mike and me. Please.

Feeling Better!

After a long morning of crying and clinging, Maddie perked up for a good afternoon. We went for a run (yay for my new jogging stroller!) and she came home with renewed energy. She's even eating some string cheese right now. Yay!

She loves her new ball popper from her Grandma! By the way, I told her to smile but my annoying camera missed the smile and caught this look instead. LOL.

This is her, saying that she was done with me taking pictures. :)