On Wednesday, my little Grayson will turn one.
I know I've hinted at it before, but I'll say it again: I'm really struggling with it.
I don't remember feeling this way with Maddie's first birthday. In fact, I remember feeling excited for all the new things she'd be able to do as she got older, like dance class and preschool.
Maybe now I have a little perspective and when people say that it flies by, I finally understand.
It flies by. And I want so badly to bottle up these days and hold them close, if just for a little longer.
In a way, I can do that through pictures. And as I sat and looked at my albums over the last year, tears ran down my face as I watched this beautiful, miraculous creation grow and mature.
This sweet, perfect gift that was the result of so much prayer.
Oh my love... This little boy.
I loved him from the moment I knew he was growing, but holding him in my arms...
There really are no words.
And for months, if not years, I'd dreamt of the day that we'd make Maddie a big sister.
Even now, when I look at this picture, I have a hard time not breaking down.
Prayer works and God is so mighty and SO faithful.
It was a pregnancy that was entered into with such trepidation. I remember begging God to develop this baby, to let us hold him this side of Heaven. I remember driving to doctor appointments with sweaty palms, not truly breathing until that resounding heartbeat was heard.
I think after you've lived through any sort of pregnancy loss or infertility, you never take a moment of pregnancy for granted. And so yes, it was hard to enjoy his. I loved feeling him move and kick (even when it woke Mike and me at night!) but holding him in our arms... A healthy and happy boy.
Priceless.
Truly, his pregnancy was a huge walk in faith for me. In an attempt to prepare my heart for the worst, I'd distance myself from the little life growing inside of me. If I were to lose him, I didn't know how I'd ever bounce back.
But God would always make Himself known to me, reassuring me that I could trust Him.
It was to nearly
every single doctor's appointment that Chris Tomlin's
How Great is Our God would come on the radio. Seriously. Spontaneously, on the radio.
It got to the point that if I hadn't heard it before an appointment, I'd panic and sit in the car a few moments longer. :)
And so every time I lock eyes with this little man, I think:
How great is our God.
Grayson, I hope in time, when you're older, you'll read this and know how very, very much you are loved and have always been loved.
How your Nana and Papa and Grandma and everyone prayed for you and loved on you and just about broke down when you finally joined us.
You make our family even better. You make us all laugh a little longer and a little harder.
You are more than I could have ever dreamed of and as much as I want to keep you my little baby, I can't wait to see what God has in store for your life.
I can't wait to watch you and your Sissy grow up together and I can't wait to see how you best choose to defend yourself against her. Ha!
My prayer for you is that you always love the Lord and choose to follow Him.
I pray that you are a good, honorable, and kind person.
And I pray that you want to always live with us.
Ha! I kid, I kid.
But just so you know, you will always and forever be my baby boy.
It's been a crazy wild year, with a couple curve balls that we hadn't planned for.
But I'm so thankful that you were here because you and your sister made things a whole lot easier to handle.
And it's been a fast year.
I feel like I blinked and you went from ten pounds to twenty pounds.
From kinda rolling around to taking tentative first steps.
One day you were sitting up in your crib and the next, you were standing and bouncing and squealing for me to come get you.
Our sweet little loves.
I've tried to savor this first year. All the smiles, the coos, the milestones.
Every moment.
And while there have been so many, I have to keep thinking of how many more will come.
And look forward to that.
And stop these silly tears that roll down my face when I think of you getting bigger.
Grayson, you've changed our world.
The giggles, the shrieks, and the fun.
From the moment you came home, I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in quite a while.
In a way, we'd all been waiting a very long time for you.
A son, a brother, a play mate,
A messy eater
with an adventurous spirit.
A patient guy that adores his sister, even when it involves headlocks. :)
And you just fit right in. You roll with the punches, adapt to new situations (okay, as long as I'm within arm's reach, haha), and you allow me to put ridiculous hats on you.
And over the course of a year, there've been plenty of ridiculous hats.
So, happy first birthday to the sweetest little boy we could ever ask for.
We are excited to watch you grow, even if I sometimes cry when I see you try new things.
You are loved,
and you are cherished,
and I'm so, so happy you're here.
Happy birthday, little man.
Your mommy loves you.
For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted what I have asked of Him.
1 Samuel 1:27
