Amazing Gray

This is a sneak peek at the newborn session shot last week by this very talented photographer.

Maddie was at school yesterday and it was just Grayson and me. We headed to a lactation clinic for some extra pointers and then stopped in at my OB's office, which happened to be just two stories down.

As I walked down the long hallway to their office, it hit me that this time, this time, I was carrying my baby.

I've been to this office for years and it holds a lot of emotions. There were times I left elated, having seen a flickering heartbeat or hearing a strong heartbeat.

But, there were also times of so much pain. So much heart ache. Times I sobbed on the way back to the car. Crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath. Walking down that hallway and wanting to just scream.

But yesterday, I walked down the hall holding my sweet, sweet baby boy.

Our boy that we waited so long to hold, to kiss, to rock.

I can honestly say that it took me a good five months to even accept his pregnancy. There was so much fear; I was so scared to let myself fall in love with someone that I might lose. Maybe that's normal after having had losses. Maybe I just wasn't as faithful as I should've been.

But all it took was seeing his face that instant he was born... Touching him and feeling the weight of him in my arms... I fell completely and utterly and totally in love.

And I know that His timing is so perfect. For so many months, I begged and pleaded for this child. And, He was faithful and brought us this amazing blessing in His time.

And for that, I am so, so thankful.

He was most certainly worth the wait.

October 25th

October 25th is a big day for us.

It's a big day for big reasons, both really wonderful and really difficult.

First of all, it's my brother's birthday (hi Tommy!), which makes it even more of a marker for us.

Four years ago on October 25th, we found out we were pregnant with Maddie. What a total surprise, total blessing and the absolute best news we'd ever received. I remember taking a pregnancy test, calling our parents, and then taking at least 10 more pregnancy tests (I was beyond excited!).

One year ago on October 25th, we found out that our second child had passed away. Again, what total surprise, only this time, we felt pure devastation and the deepest type of sadness either of us had ever experienced. I remember clinging to Mike, readjusting my view of the world, and trying to figure out life from that point on.

And now, we're staring down the face of another October 25th. To say that I'm anxious for tomorrow to show up is an understatement.

If you could, keep us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

The LORD is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

Prayer Request

Almost two years ago, a dear friend of mine used her blog to seek prayers for the situation Michael and I were enduring. She did it selflessly, lovingly and in great faith. It touched me so deeply and in great sadness, the tables have now turned.

My friend, an amazing Christian woman and mother, has suffered such an enormous loss. Last week, they discovered that their sweet baby's heart just suddenly stopped beating.

And my soul is just aching for her.

I know that loss, that shock, that despair, all too well. I know the road that their entire family will walk. I know the pain, the aching, the longing, the wanting.

And I am so, so sad that this is a patch forever etched into their story.

So please, say a prayer for this sweet family. Wrap them in your thoughts and words and love as they embark on a journey that no one ever wants to travel.

It's been such a difficult few days. I've found myself reliving our own loss, which will be a year in October. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been incredibly emotional. I've thought so much about our major loss last year. And I've been able to finally realize that no, I will never be the same. Our family will never be the same. There will always and forever be someone missing here, in this family. I will always be reminded of our loss, whether it's through places or dates or songs or children that would've been our child's age.

And, I still cry and I don't think everyone realizes that about pregnancy loss. The pain, that pain a mother feels when a silently still baby is all that's left on an ultrasound machine's screen... That pain becomes a piece of you. I pray and I seek Him and I rest in the knowledge that He is good. He never leaves us or forsakes us. Never. And everyday and every night, I praise Him. Even in times of great storm.

So, keep my friend in your prayers tonight, as well as all the mothers who've lost a sweet one.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are Who You are

no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm.

-Praise You in This Storm, Casting Crowns

Blessed

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be blessed.

We've had a rough few months here, suffering the pain of the miscarriages (I hate that that word has to be plural now) and the toll it takes on our hearts.

For a while, I didn't feel blessed.

I felt very unlucky.

But just as suddenly, I'm reminded of the ways God does beautifully bless me.

My family, my friends, our home, our health.

And then,

I don't feel so lonely or forgotten anymore.

Because I know...

I never am.

Letting go of what I once thought life would look like

and soaking in the blessings

It makes me feel very blessed.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day.

It was definitely one of memorial, certainly for our family this year.

I knew what was going on with my body and I was in a world of hurt.

Mike was so good to get Maddie happy and clean and occupied. He dressed her and fed her and watched more Yo Gabba Gabba than he probably cares to count.

My family brought over heaps of food and when we were all done eating, Maddie joined Mike outside to repair some sprinklers.

I sat on the sidewalk and took some pictures. :)

I can't get enough of this candy apple green color and the fact that Mike dressed her in it made me smile (did you know I'm a liiiiiitle bit of a control freak when it comes to choosing Maddie's outfits? No? Well I am, and this was a huge departure for me). :)

How I love that sweet little round face...

And the constant mop of hair in her eyes.

She had to help Daddy by testing the water pressure.

On all the sprinklers.

And as I sat on the sidewalk, taking random pictures, she would run through the puddles and squeal about the footprints she was leaving.

She kept shouting at me to take pictures of the footprints, before they'd disappear.

She told me to hurry.

And then, she said, "Oh rats. You missed it."

I told her to just jump through again and I'd catch the next set.

She said no.

The ones I missed were the baby's.

"You look close and maaaaaaybe you can still see them."

I can never decide if she's really intuitive or just really odd.

Regardless, I adore this child (and her daddy, who, despite tiny "helping" hands, fixed all our sprinklers).

I've sat down to blog just now and it's the first time all day where I've sobbed. In an odd way, it feels very cleansing and healing.

So while Maddie is happily occupied, I need to get this post written.

The short story is that we lost the pregnancy.

We've had a rocky couple of days and I went in for an ultrasound and blood work today, preparing my heart for what my head already knew.

It was over.

I didn't want this post to come right after the announcement of our pregnancy. Heck, I didn't want this post, obviously, to ever come at all. But, here it is.

When we hit some trouble on Sunday, I broke into hysterical crying. My sweet Mike, trying to console me, kept reassuring me that it didn't mean that things were over.

But I just knew. I just knew.

And I'll be honest when I say that I was incredibly, beyond explanation, spitting mad.

Our loss in October still seems too fresh. We tried so long for this one. We wanted this so badly. Two miscarriages in a row?!

I was dreading today's ultrasound. Dreading the process, the words, the room, the experience. I didn't want to truly let myself hope because I just knew what was happening inside my body.

I had decided, on the way in, that I would not allow myself to look at the ultrasound screen. I couldn't put myself through it again. When I think about the final time we saw our last little one on the screen, so very limp and lifeless, I feel like gasping for air. I've been gasping for air for eight months now I simply could not start at square one again.

So when the doctor began the ultrasound, I asked if she could please turn the screen away from me. Truly, it wasn't to be cold or disconnected. If there was life in there, I would carry that life in my heart. The image that I am left with from last time is just too haunting. She obliged, took some measurements and then whispered that she wanted to show me something that might help.

It wasn't a heartbeat. Or a fetal pole. Or, even, a fetus.

It was empty. There was nothing there. I was empty.

She kneeled next to me and explained what we were seeing. Sometimes the body gears up for pregnancy, and even generates the pregnancy hormone. My body thought it was pregnant. I had all the symptoms.

Oh, and I also had those fourteen positive pregnancy tests. :)

But truly, there was no baby. No fetus ever developed.

And while you may not be able to understand this (and subsequently think I'm nuts), I was immediately and breath-takingly overwhelmed with sweet, sweet peace.

There was no death, no heart stopped beating, no nothing.

What there was, and continues to be, is faith in a God that loves me. He knows the desires of my heart and I know that as I weeped, he caught each tear.

I don't understand why this had to happen and I have to accept that we probably never will. What I do understand is that I feel more at peace than I've felt in a very long time, if ever. It is really quite indescribable. I know that He washed me in grace and mercy as I sat and talked with the doctor, so calmly and levelly. I know that He was with me as I received all my shots (darn Rh negativity!) and I know that He's working to ease the pain that Mike and I will always carry in our hearts.

And while there was, and still will be, so much hurt, I'm not angry. I'm sad that we're not pregnant and I'm sad that I have to now say that we've had another miscarriage. I'm sad for the pain our family and friends feel and I'm sad for us, too.

But still, there is a peace that I've never felt before...

Thank you for continuing to keep us in your thoughts. We're not totally sure what these next few days will bring, but we're fervently hoping to avoid another surgery.

Thank you for the prayers. I am positive that they are part of why I feel so protected today.

If you're interested in reading more about chemical pregnancies, or blighted ovums, click HERE.

Friday, May 7th

I really don't have words right now...

I'm a little overwhelmed by the love and blessings that God has wrapped us in today, a day that was supposed to be so big in our family.

Instead, I'll share some pictures that make make me smile and maybe write again later...

Heard

I know that I've mentioned several times that I have "a lot on my mind," but I've never really extrapolated (ohhh, fancy word!) on that. I still don't know if I'm totally ready to do so, but I'm compelled to write tonight.

I don't know how it'll come out. We'll see.

Well, that should be reason enough to continue reading, huh? Who knows what I'll say!

But really, I've been thinking how there have been moments in my life where I've been unbearably tired. That bone-weariness kind of tired. Not a sense of wanting to totally give up, but more of an exhaustion type of tired that constantly brought me to tears or sighs or sobs. For those that have been reading here for a while, you got to experience many of those moments throughout the separation we went through last year.

Very hard. Very tired.

And, while I wasn't blogging during the days of struggling with an eating disorder (and yes, I'm putting it out there because it is so nothing to be ashamed of; another topic, another post though, huh? Ha!), that too was a tiring experience.

As each big life experience tallies up, I have to say that the freshest and deepest wound is losing our little one last year.

Our marriage? By God's grace, it was restored and we prayerfully praise it daily.

My health? A battle never too far from my mind, but still an on-going recovery to celebrate.

Our child? That one hurts.

God has so blessed us with amazing friends; people that have sheltered us and loved us and supported us through these tricky times. Just last week, I was thinking of the friendships that He has so delicately created for Mike and me and I broke down crying (so if I tell you that an email or a call or text "meant the world to me," I'm not lying).

But still. It's been a hard run.

I'm in the process of having some tests run, so Maddie and I found ourselves in the doctor's office today. I'd brought a new "beauty set" to occupy her (in all honesty, I bought it for her Easter basket, squirreled it away and found it two weeks after Easter; Ha!) and she was fiddling with the curling iron (because amazingly, she'd never seen a curling iron and thought it was insanely cool).

A very pregnant woman came in, signed the clipboard and started chatting with the receptionist. The receptionist commented on how the lady was "really getting close!" and the lady responded that yes, they'd scheduled her c-section for May 7th.

May 7th.

That was our original due date.

I didn't want to cry. Not in the office, not in front of Maddie. Not in front of this happy stranger (who later turned around to tell me how blessed I was to have Maddie. Very true.).

But, Maddie looked up, glanced at the lady, looked back at me and said, "She's got a baby in her belly. We should keep praying for one for you too, Mama."

That made me cry.

Point of my story, point of my story...

The news we got today wasn't terrible, but it certainly wasn't great. I left feeling defeated and tired.

We got in the car and the radio popped on (though Maddie was persistently asking if we could listen to Veggie Tales; Chick-fil-a is giving away Veggie Tale CDs in the kids' meals, which I think is super neat!).

Anyway (Mom, I know. This is long. Almost done. Mike should hide the laptop from me at night.).

The song that immediately came on (almost at the very beginning, too) was Jeremy Camp's, Walk by Faith. If my life could have a theme song, someone let me choose this one, okay? :)

I wore this CD to the ground around this time last year, but because I equate it so much with hard times, I'd kind of tucked it back in it's sleeve and filed it away.

But today, it wanted to be heard.

Because, not only did it come on after the doctor's appointment, it came on again (almost the exact same spot, too; I totally had goosebumps) after I tutored this afternoon.

And so, I listened. I listened and I cried and I asked Him for the strength I need to keep walking (thank you Mike for taking Maddie to the park today; this song, a solo trip to Home Goods and dinner at Chipotle did a world of good).

I'm trying to walk by faith. I'm smiling and I'm praying. I'm grateful and thankful and I can honestly and entirely say that I am happy.

Tired, but still very happy.

So, a.) thank you for reading and sharing this slice of my life and b.) thanks for keeping us in your thoughts. I'm going to go chalk 2 Corinthians 5:7 (5:7, our due date, a detail not lost on me but even more meaningful, huh?) all over the house.

Yeah, chalk it. Have you ever experimented with chalkboard paint? Terribly fun and terribly addicting. :)

Hanging in...

I know that it's due to a combination of reasons, but for the first time in my blogging life (which is closing in on nearly three years!), I'm finding it hard to... well, to blog.

There are so many pictures that deserve their own posts, from Tot School to Easter, but I just can't seem to do it. Every time I think of doing it, it seems like a chore and that freaks me out. Blogging has always been fun. Never a chore.

To be honest, I'm in a little bit of a rough season right now. I'm super weepy (so, be warned that if you choose to hang out with me, I will, most likely, cry at some point! Ha!) and just kind of struggling.

I'm so thankful for God's protection of our marriage and for the health (and sassiness sweetness) of our Maddie. I have one of the greatest families and an amazing group of friends and I'm constantly reminded of my favorite verse:

We walk by faith, not by sight.

Anyway.

What was the point of this...? Ha!

Oh, just to let you know that I really do have posts lined up (if you count uploading pictures as "posts lined up") and maybe, if you think of it, keep us in your thoughts. I've known that these next few weeks were going to be difficult and I'm trying to brace myself for that. But, despite my best efforts, I don't think I'm doing a real stellar job. As I visited a friend who had a baby yesterday, I couldn't stop sobbing, going as far as telling a totally random stranger in the elevator the story of our miscarriage.

Clearly, I need some positive thoughts and prayers (in defense of the elevator stranger, she listened sweetly and gave me a hug). And, bear with me. We've been learning about butterflies this week and I'm hoping to actually post about it this week. That's the plan, at least.

And, thank you for reading these ramblings. Sometimes it just helps to get it out, you know?

Restlessness, Faithfulness and Fireplaces

First off, let me say that I'm a terrible sleeper. I've battled bouts of insomnia for years and lately, it's been downright terrible. On good nights, I'm getting about five hours of sleep and on bad nights, well, it's about two or three.

Anyway, it's been awful lately. Anyone that struggles with this will {hopefully} understand that it's certainly no fun and certainly not an issue of just "going to sleep."

Although, I'm almost certain that the internet doesn't help things...

Well.

I know that this should be a post about our fab new fireplace (and it will be because it is fab!) but there's a whole reason behind this redecorating madness occurring in our house.

And somehow, it all comes back to losing our baby last year.

You know how our due date is rapidly approaching? Well, it is and I'm having a very hard time with it. Very hard. The lack of sleep, the nerves over the due date, the anniversary... It's all a big cycle of being caught in something that makes my heart ache a little bit more everyday.

I guess I keep remembering how over-the-moon I felt when I was 35 weeks pregnant with Maddie. I remember driving to work and praying that God would always keep fresh in my mind certain feelings, the motion of her tiny legs moving in my tummy, the delicious sound of her heartbeat on the doppler...

But now, I guess I just feel... Dull. We didn't get those memories with our little bean (although, seeing that heart beat on the ultrasound screen will always warm one of the deepest places in my soul and I will be eternally grateful that Michael got to experience it, too) and now I'm left feeling numb.

And you know, I've spent the last few months learning more about miscarriage (blech- hate that word) and how common it, unfortunately, is. I've talked to so many others about it and one sweet friend told me to just get through that first anniversary of their expected arrival. Pray and get through. And, I have been. I'm praying for Mike and Maddie and me and I'm praying for all the other families out there, still grieving a loss.

But, I'm also incredibly restless (which is probably greatly impacting my inability to sleep!). A month ago, I asked Mike if we could paint the family room.

That's all I wanted. Family room paint.

He sweetly agreed, probably knowing full well that I wouldn't stop at paint.

And, I didn't. I haven't. But, he has so fully supported me and I don't even know if he's aware of how much that means to me. The house has been covered in fabric swatches and paint chips and every time the poor guy turns around, I'm asking him to assemble something for me. I move accessories around, ask his opinion, ask him if he's insane for thinking the apothocary jars could possibly look good there, and then move it all back to the original spot.

I've been a woman on a mission and I'm so incredibly grateful for the work/play/distraction.

My friend said that she drives by everyday, just to see if I've put a second story on the house the night before. Ha!

Wow, that was long-winded. But, the reason is two-fold. One, I want to share what we've been up to and didn't want you all to think that I'd gone off the deep end. Our house is really looking cute and clean and fancy (that's Maddie's word for it) and I'm oh-so-proud. And two, to try and serve as a reminder of His faithfulness. Phil Stacey has a song, You're Not Shaken (though Maddie calls it the, You're Not a Chicken song) that speaks to me.

And I may never know why,

Oh, I may not ever understand.

But, I will lift up my eyes

And trust this is Your plan.

Alright.

Onto a major undertaking (well, it took an afternoon, mostly spent with a brush, primer and irritatingly porous brick and grout)...

Here was our fireplace in our family room. It's always bothered me. The brick is... old. Dirty, no matter how much I cleaned it.

After insisting that all the girls (meaning, Maddie and myself) wear cowboy hats during the painting process, we got started.

By the way, Maddie insisted on wearing hats. Not me. When I re-read that, it came off wrong. You really will think I've gone off the deep-end if I start insisting we wear foam cowboy hats to accomplish home decorating projects.

And ohmygoodness...

The final project!!

When I couldn't sleep tonight, I just knew what I wanted to do.

I wanted to come look at it. Again. One more time and then go to sleep.

It's just so clean and crisp and so totally what I wanted.

Thanks for reading this novel. Or, if you didn't, I don't blame you. Thanks for looking at the pictures. We'll be painting this coming weekend and I can't wait to see how it all starts to pull together! We also have fireplace doors coming soon (which means I won't have to fish out Little People toys from the logs anymore; What will I do with my time now?! Ha!) and a new rug and windows...

Staying faithful. Praying. Hoping.

And, thinking we've spent too much time at Ikea, since the two year old can now tell you that a.) the flag of Sweden is blue and yellow and b.) an ice cream cone there only costs a dollar.

Looking for sunny days...

I've been sparse on the blog lately and even sparser (a real word or not?) on other blogs, as far as commenting and emailing goes. I am reading but I've been trying to limit my time a tad. I'm not sure how well I'm doing, but I have cut back (a little). It's also been incredibly warm (hence the swimming shots from today) and we've been enjoying our outdoor time.

But admittedly, I've also been experiencing a stressful spell lately. When I'm stressed, I either go into full-time blogging as a way to stay busy, or as of late, pulled back entirely.

Anyway, there have been so many things going on, from Maddie's skin problems to Michael's job and everything in between.

Some of my worries have been resolved and prayers were abundantly answered. We have absolutely been on pins and needles about Mike's job. He's a teacher with seven contracted years, but his district is laying off people with far more experience. Praise God that Mike has three additional credentials (one of which I actually discouraged him to get because of time and money; So much for that! Ha!). And so, his job has been confirmed safe and God is even leading him in a totally new direction for next school year. It's exciting and terrifying, all at the same time!

As for Miss Maddie... We just can't figure out, or solve, her skin issues. When I say we've tried everything, I mean it. She has a whole team of dermatologists and each one of them have given us a new treatment or plan to try. Nothing is working and it's very difficult, but more so for Maddie than anyone else. Her body is covered in red itchy welts and all we've been able to do is manage it, not cure it.

And then, there's me. We're rapidly approaching the month of May, which brings the due date of our lost little one. I've been deep in prayer that I'll be strengthened through these next couple of months. Just last week, four sweet friends welcomed new babies, with more due just around the corner. My heart is so full of love and excitement for them, but at the same time, I often catch my heart in my throat. I am constantly reminding myself that we are to walk by faith, and not by sight...

So, bear with me through my sporadic posting and even more sporadic emails and comments. Because even with all the heaviness, there is also great joy. Yesterday we celebrated five years of owning our home (and I do like to toot our own horn when I realize that we bought at just 24 years old!). That's pretty cool, considering all that we've been through, and we're growing stronger everyday.

And then, there's this little bugger that just melts my heart... Looking forward to all that summer has to bring!

Things that are making me smile...

I've been in a little bit of a down mood lately, despite the New Year starting off well. I know that I've shared this, but the more time that passes from losing our pregnancy last year, the more it hurts. I know that there are a million factors for this, and I'm thankful for the prayers and support from family and friends. My sweet friend sent me a fabulous book, Silent Grief, that is really helping me process, and seek to understand, a lot of my feelings. Seriously, if you've experienced the pain of a loss, or have a friend who has, I highly recommend this book.

Anyway, it's been a little rough for me lately. But... I thank God (daily) for our little Maddie who is, undoubtedly, quite the comedian. She's definitely been making me smile lately with all the zany things she says...

I called her name because I wanted her to come put away her shoes. She answered, "I want to help you Mommy but I so, so busy right now."

She was reading. Very, very busy. :)

This morning, she asked for Mickey Mouse pancakes. I just was not in the mood to make homemade pancakes, so I took the lazy way out and microwaved mini pancakes, adding chocolate chips eyes and an icing smile.

She looked at it, eyes wide, and said, "I never knew you could... Make something that... Sorta looks like Mickey Mouse!"

I don't have a picture for this one, but had to record it to show this new generation's line of thinking. We were making a rainbow this morning and I read the story of Noah's Ark again to her. I explained how God sent a rainbow to the world, and how that was His message and His promise. Maddie said, "Oh! Like God sent a text message to Noah!"

Remember the river that I made for our Tot School last week? Yeah, it was just two strips of tape across the carpet. Well, Mike decided that we needed a meandering river, complete with deltas and off-shoots.

This is what I found when I came out to the family room. I'm not even sure this picture does it justice, since it wraps around our entire room. Ha!

And of course, this guy keeps me smiling. I know that I haven't been the easiest person to live with lately, but he's been so patient.

We got to go to Disneyland this weekend, just the two of us, and we had such a great time.

Oh, and where was Maddie while Mike and I were riding the big, scary rides?

She was on an elephant, of course.

Yes, Maddie and Grandma rode Becky, the flower-crown-wearing, docile elephant that allows crazy toddlers like Maddie to hop on her back.

Also, we went to a new (well, new to us) church this weekend (which was wonderful and I'll save for another post). Maddie went to her very first Sunday school class, without us, and she did so well! The teachers were saints and said that she did whimper a little for us but overall, did really well. Mike and I were so proud of her and she says she's excited to go back!

So yeah, when I get a little down, I think of meandering tape rivers, Becky the elephant and God sending text messages, and I can't help but smile. :)

{To Be Held}

Those of you that know me (or that read this blog, so basically... everyone) is aware of how ready I am, and have been, to wrap this year up. I feel like I've gotten through these last few weeks by hitting my chin to my chest and just forging ahead, praying for a bright 2010 (by the way, there's a debate: Do you, or will you, say "Two thousand ten" or "Twenty ten"? Just wondering).

Anyway, it's been a rough year. It's been rough for us over here, but I know that it's also been rough for a lot of our friends and family members, too (maybe for some of the same reasons, maybe for different reasons). I can't totally remember where I heard this song, but I heard it recently and it immediately touched me. I'm hoping that maybe it'll speak to you, too. Do you ever hear a song, one where you might not even catch all the lyrics the first time, but something about it just speaks to you? For me, this was one of those songs.

The song is by Natalie Grant and is called "Held." It's on i-Tunes and it's definitely worth listening to (Okay, I've got it playing here on the blog but I realize it's terrible quality; I'm sure Mike will hear it and fiddle with it until it sounds better! Ha!). Anyway, I've listened to it over and over again now.

It's a song about being held, even when the world seems to be crashing around you, and how He is always holding you (but now wait, even if you're not religious, don't let me lose you because the message is one of great passion and hope). After poking around the internet for a while, I came to find out that it was actually written by Natalie Grant's neighbor, after having lost her infant son in his sleep. It's about the promise we live by and how it's often that promise that carries us through the storms.

I guess it just hits me on so many levels, but the chorus is what instantly touched me:

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it means to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held.

I do feel like many of life's sacred things were torn from life this year. Sacred vows teetered uneasily, so dangerously prepared to break. A strong, sweet heartbeat, so loved and adored, suddenly stopped beating, without any notice. At many points throughout the year, I felt like things were just... falling.

And yet, we survived. I survived.

I wrote a few posts back about my journey of learning that things don't always go the way we want. But really, this song says it so much more eloquently (not surprising!). God's promise is not that we'll get everything we pray for. He doesn't promise that we'll live a life free of heartache and sorrow. There will be pain and there will be struggles. The sacred could be torn from your life.

But what He does promise is that He'll hold us through those times. When I look back on my year, the most overwhelming feeling I have (and I know I wrote about it) was that I was never alone.

I was held.

Again and again, time after time, I was held. Through each and every situation that broke my heart, I was held. But it was through those times of sheer grief and brokenness that I truly felt held and I truly felt safe.

And so here's what I pray and hope for, for you and me and friends and family. I pray that no matter what this new year brings (or any new year, for that matter), that we're held. Good things will happen to good people and bad things will happen to good people. I pray, of course, that this new year is filled with good things. I am utterly brought to my knees when I think of the good things that did come from this year and I hope that 2010 (however you want to say it) will bring even more.

I don't think I said any of this all that eloquently (I should hire a song-writer, huh? Just listen to the song from start to finish.) but here's what I mean: Happy, happy new year and may you be blessed with the feeling, and the knowledge, that you are always being held.

Bring it on 2010!

Being Thankful for It All

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday (or, for our Canadian friends, we hope you had a great Thursday). :)

We enjoyed a day packed with family, friends, and food. Maddie and Michael were busy making desserts (I'll do a separate post, possibly without pictures, since Maddie insisted on only wearing panties during the baking process).

To be honest, it was a tough holiday for me. I wanted to be overflowing with smiles and cheer, to be a walking example of thankfulness for God's love, but...

It was just hard.

I kept thinking how yesterday would've marked 17 weeks of pregnancy. Yesterday I might have felt the baby move or yesterday my belly might have been big and round (with a pregnancy; not just from eating!).

But, it wasn't and I know I let myself dip my toe, for all too long, into the pool of, "Why?Why?Why?"

Sometimes I feel like for every two steps forward, I find myself being pulled one step back. And, I can tell when it's happening. I get cloudy and sad and drift into a vast land of "What-ifs." And even though I know when that mood is about to strike, it's hard to pull myself back to reality.

So, I spent much of the afternoon yesterday in that place. I felt incomplete and discontent. I often feel an aching toward searching for something. Something that's missing. Someone that's missing. My dreams are often filled with me searching and searching, but waking up with such a hurt...

It wasn't until last night, after Maddie was tucked into bed, that I really let myself go there. Go to that sad place, acknowledge it and let it go... If just for a very little bit.

Because I am thankful. I look at where my marriage was, just this time last year, and I feel so terribly blessed. I thank God for his restoration in our lives and for his faithfulness in carrying each of us through our own struggles. The warmth of Maddie's hugs and the passion in her, "I love you Mama!" is enough to stop me in my step, no matter what I'm doing, and thank Him for this little girl.

A warm house, family around a table, the two year old, spinning circles in her favorite twirly skirt...

I am thankful.

And, I am blessed.

We all have our thorns we wear. Some are big, some are smaller, but they all hurt.

But last night, I was thankful that I could take those hurts, lay them at His feet, and finally, give thanks for all I do have.

Now... Pictures! Grandma took some good family ones, so hopefully (hint, hint), she'll email those soon. :)

Little Miss Sass wasn't totally excited about Nana's house being so packed. But, a laminated Max and Ruby placemat (thank you Keri!) kept her happy and occupied. I brought a tiny plate, cup and silverware (from her play kitchen) so that she could set her own place at the table.

After eating (and a wardrobe change for the toddler), we headed to the school across the street.

My sisters and I rode bikes.

They make me wish I was a twin, too. :)

Maddie was very excited to dig in the sand with Poppa, TT and Veronica.

But.

As soon as we got there, she announced that she had to go to the bathroom.

And so...

We turned and headed home. :)

He gives, He takes away

It has, without a doubt, been a rough year for me. Heck, it's been a rough year for all of us, whether it's been due to financial issues, marriage problems or just the strain of life's everyday stressors.

It's been hard.

Personally, I feel (as I told my mom last night, after crashing into her car; more on that later) incredibly weary. You know that feeling where you're just tired, just tired of all the crummy stuff that happens?

That's how I feel.

I'm so thankful for the support system that we have and again (I feel like I'm always saying this), I'm sorry for not responding to emails. I think my inbox has become a good marker of my emotional state. When I'm up to date on returning all emails, consider me happy. Otherwise... I'm tired. I hate that that happens, and know that it does not mean that I don't want to email you back (if that makes sense). Just know that my emails have begun to pile...

We did get the pathology report back on our little one. It showed that there were chromosomal abnormalities that caused the "fetal demise." I've had almost a week to process the results and I am able to say that the information brings me peace. It helps me breathe a little easier knowing that our little guy is now complete and perfect with the One who made him. It also helps to know that there was a scientific, biologic reason that his little heart stopped beating.

Of course, it adds to my distaste of the actual word "miscarriage," since that is not what happened. I was working with one of my tutoring students last week (ironically, on the day we got the genetic results) and the prefix we were studying was "mis-." With every word we went through, my student would say, "Well 'mis-' means 'wrong' so 'misjudge' must mean to judge wrongly." After hearing her say "mis- means wrong" about twenty times, it struck me that I didn't carry him wrongly. No, my two cans of Sprite a day didn't hurt him, nor did the rearranging of my craft carts harm him. I didn't miscarry. There were genetic issues that prevented him from growing and thriving.

Although, the other option ("spontaneous abortion") makes me far more nauseous than "miscarriage" so I guess I'll just stick with "pregnancy loss."

Anyway.

It's just been a rough go lately. And yes, I crashed into my mom's (parked) car yesterday. Thankfully no one was hurt, but... Did I mention that I'm weary?

You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and it seems like it just replays over and over and over again (and it doesn't matter if you don't know the lyrics; you manage to hum your way through the parts you don't know)? Lately, I haven't had a song but I have had this running through my head again and again:

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I know that's a slightly altered version from the book of Job, but it's what has been in my head (and it gave me chills when, out of nowhere, Mike recited this exact verse to me last week, not knowing that I've been mentally chanting it for a while). I know that it's been in my head for a reason, too.

And so, I stand firm in believing that yes, He gives but yes, He can also take away. Be it the life of a child, an envelope holding cash that's been saved for a year (which will, thankfully, cover a certain car insurance deductible) or whatever else is thrown this way, blessed be His name.

I know that we'll all be okay.

I think Maddie and I need to spend some time today with her Thanksgiving books, and take a minute to reflect upon what we're thankful for.

Thank you for continuing to think of us.

Sweet Maddie

Just thought I'd share some cute pictures of Maddie from the past week...

We are SO excited that Miss Lilly has joined us for this session of ballet! It is still Maddie's very favorite thing to do and we're all really excited for the recital she'll be in next month.

Oh, and this is a picture of them doing their warm-up stretches (to a really catchy song that gets in my head and won't get out!).

Maddie chose the color she wanted her new tutu and was so excited to wear it. Well, she was excited to wear it until I "made" her wear it. Ha! But, as soon as her teacher, Miss Anne, commented on how much she liked it, Maddie was happy again. :)

Making princess dresses from blankets has become her new hobby. And since they are constantly slipping off, that means we get to make them over and over and over throughout the day!

This picture means a lot to me and I just know that it was a way that God totally provided for us. Lately, Maddie has been telling me that she's sad because she can't hold "her baby." She asks if Jesus is holding the baby and wants to know if she'll get to see the baby. It's been a little rough, to say the least. But, I was so thrilled when we were able to get together with our friends and Maddie got to hold sweet baby Melissa. Maddie was elated to hold her and on the way home, exclaimed, "I not hold my baby but I hold Blake's baby!" It made her very happy (so thank you Jenn!!).

And finally, just another ballet shot. Honestly, it's the fastest thirty minutes of the week. Just love it!

{Untitled}

I'm calling this a super lazy approach because it is, well, super lazy. Michael and I are so touched by all the supportive and sweet cards and emails and calls we've received over the course of the past two weeks. Just today, I was greeted with cards that mentioned our lost little one. It makes me feel so grateful to know that we're in your thoughts or prayers and I'm so sorry for not responding to any of the love that's been showered upon us.

Because while I am feeling grateful, I'm also feeling incredibly sad. I'm finding that the more distance we have between that final ultrasound and the present, I struggle more to understand, or cope, with the loss. I miss so much, from the excitement of planning and talking about our little guy to reading Maddie books about how to be a good big sister.

I just feel very weary and tired. It has been such a long year and as much as I hate to wish my life away, I certainly look forward to 2010.

Maddie did ask if "her" baby was growing big and strong and with a heavy heart, I told her that yes, he was. But now, he would be growing big and strong with Jesus, in heaven. To be honest, we've never talked about heaven, but she gets pretty excited whenever Jesus is the topic. She told me, "But I not want that. I want the baby." I cried and she cried and I wished Mike could be a stay at home dad so that we could've done that one together.

And so on one hand, I do still feel that peace that I felt after the surgery. I know that our baby truly is in a much better place and I hold fast to the thought that we will get to cuddle one day. Maddie will know that baby and that's such a beautiful thought to have.

But on the other, I'm just aching. If you think about it, keep us in your thoughts for just a bit longer. I've asked a lot of my friends this year. I realize that and how I hope we can have some smooth seas soon.

Something that almost haunts me is the prayer I silently said when the nurse called my name, the day we discovered that the heart had stopped beating. She called my name, ready to take me back for a routine ultrasound. I clearly and distinctly remember praying to God that He would be near me, no matter what happened. In retrospect, it was such an odd prayer. What an odd thought. Odd, because I always said the exact same prayer before every appointment when pregnant with Maddie. I'd always prayed to hear, or see, a big strong heartbeat. Those were always my words: a big strong heartbeat. And, for the past few appointments with this little one, I'd said the same thing. How strange that on that day, my heart asked Him just to be near me, no matter what happened. Maybe in a way, in such a remote way, I already knew...

And so as I pray that He continues to be near our family, I so appreciate all your kind thoughts, even if I just don't have the energy to respond.

And that's just of Maddie because she's such our little light. Even if she did insist on calling me either "Big Mama" or "Mama Jill" all day today. :)

Home

Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, emails and texts yesterday. I haven't replied to everyone, but I will. Thankfully, my dad took Maddie for the morning so I can totally rest (and Mike, I am resting; no laundry, dishes or anything!).

The surgery itself went really well. We were blessed with some amazing nurses. Seriously, the first thing I remember about coming out of anesthesia is that I was crying and one of the nurses came right over and was wiping my tears and rubbing my arm.

We did have another ultrasound, only to be shown the same thing we saw last week. I had been praying that there had been a grave mistake, but it was not so. Going into the ultrasound, I had told Michael that I didn't want to see the screen, that I couldn't bear to see, one more time, the lack of a beating heart. But as I laid there, I knew I had to look. I wanted to look. I wanted to see our little guy just one last time here on this earth.

And this morning, I'm so glad I did.

I feel an immense sense of peace and closure, though still an ache that brings me to tears constantly.

But physically, I'm doing great and will be back to tutoring this afternoon. So, I'm taking the morning off and then I'll be back (because we did a CUTE Muffin Tin Monday but I haven't posted it yet!). Thank you for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming...

First off, please know that I am absolutely blown away by the outpouring of love and support from our family and friends. If I have any regrets in all this, it's that I didn't share the news of the pregnancy sooner. I wish I had and I wish you all could have celebrated that joy with us, instead of just bearing our loss.

This is such a rough road to walk but I have been so lifted up by kind words and thoughts and hugs. One sweet friend left a comment that I don't think I'll ever forget. She said that she'd be thinking about, and praying, for all four of us. All four of us.

It just sums it up so well, that number. It's everything we wanted and were planning for and anticipating. And honestly, it doesn't help that my body seems to refuse to acknowledge the fact that I'm just not pregnant anymore. I continue to have all the classic symptoms, the symptoms that had before, kept me feeling so confident that things were progressing just fine. I wish my heart would catch up with my head. While it seems a little cruel to continue feeling nauseous, it's also comforting at the same time. It's like my body just isn't ready to give it up yet, either.

I'm finding out that these losses are far more common than I originally ever thought, and while that isn't incredibly comforting to me right now, there's a sisterhood of women who've traveled on this journey. Thank you so much for all who have taken the time to email and share their experiences. I have read, and cried, through each one. I've taken time to pray for your little ones and I promise to continue to do so.

I'd like very much to stay in my pajamas. I'd like for it to rain and I'd like for things to be different. But thankfully, I have this tiny little girl who likes to make Play-doh snakes and have tea parties and play dolls and paint pictures. I have a husband who knows when I'm 2.2 seconds away from a breakdown and meets me with a hug. And, I have friends who have embraced our grief as though it is their own. I've cried and clung to these people and will probably always cherish you just a little bit more than I ever did before.

And so, we keep walking. This isn't the way I wanted things to be, but things are still good and there still is such great hope. We're preparing, as best we can, for what Monday has to hold. Another kind friend wrote something that is, quite seriously, carrying me through the day, "From the place where he was most loved right into the arms of God who was waiting for him."

Thank you for praying for us and keeping us in your thoughts.

The Big Girl Room Reveal!

It's official: Maddie has a big girl room! The bedroom that she's been in is great because it's right next door to the master, but (and this is a BIG one)... It has no closet. She had an armoire that's been working for us, but with her dresses getting longer, she needed a closet. And to be honest, we thought the new baby would be taking her room and didn't want her to feel like she'd been kicked out (thus we were starting the process now). Anyway, her new bed arrived yesterday and we've thrown ourselves into the creation of her new room (thank God for this distraction; it's been such a blessing for Mike and me).

Upon entering her room, Mike hung up some cute flower hooks (that she calls, for whatever reason, her "ta-da figures!"). She promises that she'll be good about hanging her sweaters and purses. We'll see... :)

Along one side of the wall is her dollhouse and big chair. Oh, and you can't see it, but we totally splurged today and bought a video monitor. I've always wanted one and now that she's not caged in in a crib, I wanted to make sure I could see her at nap and bedtime. Mike installed it and it's just as awesome as I'd always dreamed!

And, here's her big girl bed! Grandma so graciously bought her the darling bed that Maddie is totally in love with. Nana bought her the bedding and beanbag, which are also big favorites.

Ahhh, the closet!! I am SO thrilled for her to have this! On the top are some really deep, fabulous storage cabinets that are, for the time being, totally empty!

But, my favorite part is what Mike (and Maddie) did to the bottom sections of the closet doors. He painted them with chalkboard paint so that Maddie can get crafty and creative. She loves it and so do I!

Just another closet shot because I'm so in love with the space she has now.

Like I said, this has been such a fabulous distraction for us. Thank you for the continued support and love. Today has been rocky. I'm achey and sore and it's starting to set in that this really is ending. On one hand, it's difficult to know that we have to wait until Monday for the surgery, but on the other hand, it's an incredible comfort to know that the little bean is still with me.

Anyway. Maddie loves her room and the happiness it has brought her has brought me to tears several times today.